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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
surfer
post Posted: Nov 25 2014, 02:08 PM
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An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

 
arty
post Posted: Nov 24 2014, 07:41 PM
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John was a young priest in far North Queensland, where he visited remote communities to conduct services, baptisms, funerals, ... the usual duties of a roaming Servant of the Church. On one occasion, he had to perform the Last Rites for Wild Roger, who had lived his final years as a recluse with only a talking parrot for company. His Master dead, the parrot was very distraught and refused to leave Wild Roger's shoulder. John had to pry the bird loose, or he might have been buried alive with his master.
That's how John became the parrot's new owner.

Soon, however, he realised that the parrot had a really bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's beak was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change his attitude by reading the Bible and rehearsing next Sunday's sermons in front of the parrot. He would also watch his own language, consistently using only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Sadly, to no avail.

Finally, John was so fed up and desperate that he yelled some profanity at the parrot. The parrot yelled back, and with years of practice, it was no wonder that John was again hopelessly outclassed. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and his tirades even more graphic and rude. John, in final desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he might have hurt the parrot, John quietly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and inexcusable behaviour."

John was stunned, and wouldn't everyone, by this sudden and complete reversal of manners.

As he was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change in the parrot's behaviour, the bird spoke up. Very softly, he whispered,

"May one ask what the turkey did?"



--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: henrietta  
 
balance
post Posted: Nov 7 2014, 07:08 AM
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Seinfeld in parliament. Someone has done quite a bit of work. My favourite is the last one from George.



--------------------
Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.
 
surfer
post Posted: Nov 6 2014, 06:36 PM
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A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a woman. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.

The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"

She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."




Said 'Thanks' for this post: balance  arty  
 
arty
post Posted: Nov 3 2014, 06:45 PM
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Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, skinny, dirty, she smelled terribly, and her hair was all matted down. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat'. I felt sorry for her, so I put her in a carrier and asked my husband to drive us to the vet.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He also reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

(My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls him 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.)

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, whose rooms are next door to the vet's.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people. Just then, a side door opened and the vet leaned in; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' With that, he closed the door.

The silence was deafening!

Now, THAT, my friends, is what I call GETTING EVEN!




--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 
arty
post Posted: Oct 23 2014, 07:52 PM
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Posts: 12,272
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Sunbathing Nude On The Hotel Rooftop

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan, figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man.

"You are lying on the dining room skylight."





--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 


arty
post Posted: Oct 22 2014, 02:33 PM
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Australian Computer Terminology

Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!!


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to dem lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK:What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.


NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.





--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  alonso  
 
balance
post Posted: Oct 6 2014, 07:39 PM
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Posts: 5,173
Thanks: 372


Meanwhile on Mars...

I wish I had thought of this



--------------------
Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: crooky  
 
balance
post Posted: Sep 29 2014, 08:12 AM
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Posts: 5,173
Thanks: 372


Be kind to your pets. Karma is a bitch.



--------------------
Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Sep 19 2014, 06:38 AM
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Posts: 1,154
Thanks: 306


According to my Doctor,tToday is Peristalsis day.
But then who really gives a shit??

Mick




--------------------
sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
 


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