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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
crooky
post Posted: Aug 28 2014, 07:41 AM
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Catholic Hairdryer

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advise that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.


A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'



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arty
post Posted: Aug 27 2014, 06:48 PM
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Health Information
  • Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
  • Do you suffer from shyness?
  • Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, ask your doctor, pharmacist, or liquor store about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind becoming pregnant and nursing are encouraged to try it.


Side effects

Side effects may include:
  • Dizziness,
  • nausea,
  • vomiting,
  • incarceration,
  • loss of motor control,
  • loss of motor vehicle control,
  • loss of motor vehicle license,
  • loss of clothing,
  • loss of money,
  • loss of virginity,
  • delusion of grandeur,
  • delusion of adequacy,
  • table dancing,
  • headache,
  • dehydration,
  • dry mouth,
  • a desire to sing Karaoke and
  • a desire to play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
  • consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
  • consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your boss what you really think of him.
  • consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
  • consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ...




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I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

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arty
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 09:33 PM
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The World's Greatest "Lost Pet" poster:

Attached File  GuineaPig.jpg ( 80.18K ) Number of downloads: 29




--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 03:42 PM
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In Reply To: wren's post @ Aug 22 2014, 03:11 PM

thanks Wren , you may be right. Definitely Dennis Norden and Frank Muir were the leading lights, the mainstays of the program (calling them comperes does no justice)

I remember (no Google here) there were guests and there was a segment when a saying, some aphorism or quote, was given to the teams, at the beginning, and they had the show's duration to come up with a witty story - I think that was the squaw/ hippopotamus genesis.

Another one I remember was about the eskimos not being able to "have their kayak and heat it too", the almost excruciating punchline to an elaborate concoction - as henrietta said: very funny in a gentle way




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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time."
- Dr John Hussman

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henrietta
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 03:22 PM
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In Reply To: wren's post @ Aug 22 2014, 03:11 PM

Dennis Norden and Frank Muir ........ what a clever show it was, and very funny in a gentle way.

Cheers
J

 
wren
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 03:11 PM
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In Reply To: nipper's post @ Aug 22 2014, 01:30 PM

Don't think Michael Flanders was ever on 'My Word',certainly not a regular.What a great show:episodes were being replayed a couple of years ago at 4.45 am.Reckon ABC 1 could use it nightly at 7.00 pm.

A bit of Michael Flanders……


Flanders: A year ago, last Thursday, I was strolling in the zoo,
When I met a man who thought he knew the lot.
He was laying down the law about the habits of baboons,
And the number of quills a porcupine has got.

So I asked him, "What's that creature there?". He answered, "Oh, it's a h-elk".
I might have gone on thinking that was true.
If the animal in question hadn't put that chap to shame,
And remarked, "I h-ain't a h-elk. I'm a g-nu".

"I'm a g-nu,
I'm a g-nu,
The g-nicest work of g-nature in the zoo.
I'm a g-nu,
How do you do?
You really ought to k-now w-ho's w-ho."

"I'm a g-nu, spelt G-N-U.
I'm g-not a camel or a kangaroo.
So let me introduce,
I'm g-neither man or moose,
Oh, g-know, g-know, g-know,
I'm a g-nu!"


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nipper
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 01:30 PM
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In Reply To: balance's post @ Aug 22 2014, 12:57 PM

I think this was Michael Flanders from a BBC radio show "My Word" ca. late 1960's?



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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time."
- Dr John Hussman
 
arty
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 01:25 PM
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In Reply To: mullokintyre's post @ Aug 22 2014, 12:51 PM

Who invents these gems? "for whom the Tells bowled" ... a must-read for all ten pin bowlers biggrin.gif



--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
balance
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 12:57 PM
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In Reply To: mullokintyre's post @ Aug 22 2014, 12:51 PM

They even made me groan. The squaw of the hippopotamus indeed. weirdsmiley.gif



--------------------
Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Aug 22 2014, 12:51 PM
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Very PunnyI) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

II) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

III) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

IV) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

V) Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

VI) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

VII) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

VIII) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

X) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Medicine Man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Medicine Man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."




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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

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