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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
arty
post Posted: Jun 15 2014, 12:16 AM
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Posts: 11,985
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This morning on the freeway I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Volkswagen Golf doing 130 km per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she gave me such a fright I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my mobile phone slid out from between my shoulder and my ear, and fell into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned ‘Big Tom and the Twins’, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!





--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
balance
post Posted: Jun 11 2014, 04:17 PM
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Posts: 5,091
Thanks: 351


I was sent this link to an Amazon product review. It's one of the better reviews I have read. here
"Changed My Life", indeed it did.



--------------------
Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.
 
joules mm1
post Posted: Jun 4 2014, 06:36 PM
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Posts: 493
Thanks: 76


"yup, true story" (eddie izzard)

Secret Service Software Will 'Detect Sarcasm' in Social Media Users
By Aliya Sternstein June 2, 2014

http://www.nextgov.com/defense/2014/06/sec...ia-users/85633/



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. . . . . . . . everything has an art
 
joules mm1
post Posted: Jun 4 2014, 06:18 PM
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Posts: 493
Thanks: 76


James Hetfield, better known for killing helpless bears with a telescopic rifle
(as opposed to defending himself with 6" swiss army knife...the cork skewer thing!)

How many times has he run out of lyrics and substituted the word YEAH! ?

http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/221381/jam...r-hunting-show/



--------------------
. . . . . . . . everything has an art
 
balance
post Posted: Jun 3 2014, 09:52 PM
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Posts: 5,091
Thanks: 351


In Reply To: arty's post @ Jun 3 2014, 06:54 PM

Victorian police officer.
Bang. bang bang. .....bang, bugger it... bang bang.

So why the big knife sir?



--------------------
Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.
 
arty
post Posted: Jun 3 2014, 06:54 PM
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Posts: 11,985
Thanks: 2868


Subject: Police Officer Test

QUESTION: How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

SITUATION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your Police-issued Glock and you are an expert shot. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do ?

ANSWER:

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
  1. Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
  2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
  3. Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
  4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
  5. Am I dressed provocatively ?
  6. Could I run away ?
  7. Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?
  8. Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
  9. Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?
  10. Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
  11. Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
  12. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
  13. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
  14. If I shoot and wound him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !


American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"



--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  jons  
 


nipper
post Posted: May 28 2014, 06:09 PM
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Posts: 1,335
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A man walked into a bar ...

After his eyes adjusted to the gloom, he looked around and saw it was pretty empty; but he wanted a drink so he sidled up to the bar and sat on a stool, and ordered a beer.

Suddenly he heard a voice; "My, my, aren't you a handsome young fellow."

Startled he looked around but there was no-one there.

"Nice clothes, too," said the voice. "Love that jacket."

By now he was pretty bemused, and called the barman over. He mentioned that he was hearing a voice but couldn't work out what was happening.

"Don't worry," said the barman, "it's just the complimentary peanuts."



--------------------
"Cause they told me everybody's got to pay their dues
And I explained that I had overpaid them"
- Rodriguez

"What a deplorable existence I lead in this absurd climate and under what frightful conditions! How boring! How stupid life is! What am I doing here?"
- Rimbaud 1884 (Aden)
 
surfer
post Posted: May 28 2014, 08:10 AM
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Posts: 456
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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
......................................................

BHP Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."




Said 'Thanks' for this post: arty  grevillia  jons  
 
surfer
post Posted: May 28 2014, 08:02 AM
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The British Way


A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a British Soldier at a small stand selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"O.K." said the soldier. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find our Sergeant’s Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back almost dead and rasped, "They won't let me in without a f****ing tie!"




Said 'Thanks' for this post: arty  Alethia  grevillia  
 
arty
post Posted: May 25 2014, 07:40 PM
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When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man I hate this "getting older" stuff!





--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  surfer  walbrook  mullokintyre  
 
 


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