A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh

[Varmi]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying ba%tard told you I was speeding too?

[surfer]

As we get older we can all learn from this guy. Very wise...

. Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[surfer]

Wife comes home late, quietly opens the door of the bedroom

and seeing four legs from under the blanket reaches for the baseball bat

pounding the forms under the blanket as hard as she can and leaving the covered bodies moaning and groaning.

So she goes to the kitchen for a drink and sees her husband reading a magazine with a glass of beer on the table.

"Hi Darling", he mutters turning her way,

"Your Parents are here for a visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello?"

[flower]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel…
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Whitlam said to the people of Australia …
Put down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel,this is the Promised Land."

Today,Gillard has ….
Stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put camels in plain packaging,
and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the carbon tax,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, and retirement funds,
I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English,
and I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could steer a boat.....

[balance]

He does have a point. Poor Lance

[arty]

 LivingWill.jpg ( 108.13K ) Number of downloads: 10

[balance]

USAF Stealth Fighter
Stealth Fighter pilot entering the aircraft

[Varmi]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[balance]

Not sure if this is legit or a rip off copy...Sean Connery v the what?

[balance]

These new reclining chairs are so comforta...wtf was that!