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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
tideishigh
post Posted: Mar 15 2015, 06:43 PM
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Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who’s been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer’s hand an inch above your knee.

First let’s take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there’s the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He’s really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap,
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there’s the wily ‘slowy’, pure cunning is his strength;
He’ll temp you, then he’ll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes …

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there’s the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he’s about;
And if you let him settle in, it’s hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn’t mind if he’s the last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he’s full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he’ll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he’ll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Ever the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You’ll quickly find you’ve had it, when he puts his finger up!

So darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE !!!!!!!!!



Said 'Thanks' for this post: henrietta  mullokintyre  
 
surfer
post Posted: Mar 15 2015, 12:04 PM
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'




The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.




The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.




The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'




The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.




Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'




The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'




'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.




Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.




'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'




The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'





Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 
surfer
post Posted: Mar 15 2015, 12:01 PM
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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm bbbbloody tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal......Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife's not happy and doesn’t want it anymore. She liked it when I had a penis a foot long. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "Ppppiss ooooff. A ddddeal's a dddeal."


Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 
surfer
post Posted: Mar 8 2015, 01:36 PM
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How to change a light bulb.




http://www.youtube.com/embed/f1BgzIZRfT8?feature=player_embedded





Said 'Thanks' for this post: triage  
 
surfer
post Posted: Mar 8 2015, 01:35 PM
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They say the beer adverts are the best, others favour car or insurance commercials. Don't make up your mind until you watch this one!!!

Very creative and a high rate of difficulty......well done.......

I wonder how many ‘takes’ it took?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0




 
flower
post Posted: Mar 5 2015, 03:12 PM
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS ABEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR AND BEGAN TALKING.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........


"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!"







--------------------
Combining Fundamental comments with Fundamental charts.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: balance  grevillia  
 


surfer
post Posted: Feb 20 2015, 09:49 AM
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If you haven't read the book.. 50 Shades of Grey, you can still get a chuckle from this poem. For any that do not know....
a "zimmer" is the British term for a senior's walker....Zimmer is the manufacturer's name.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.


Said 'Thanks' for this post: balance  mrbear  
 
surfer
post Posted: Feb 19 2015, 08:40 AM
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."



Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."



"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. This little bastard's name is Kevin."





Said 'Thanks' for this post: nipper  mullokintyre  mrbear  
 
mercury
post Posted: Feb 18 2015, 08:36 AM
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In Reply To: balance's post @ Jan 26 2015, 08:24 AM

Just looking back on a few laughs and had to do some research on that one Balance. Very good.

 
arty
post Posted: Feb 17 2015, 07:18 PM
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In Reply To: henrietta's post @ Feb 17 2015, 06:21 PM

sounds like a statement from a Greens' manifesto devilsmiley.gif



--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
 


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