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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
arty
post Posted: Dec 20 2014, 11:36 PM
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Posts: 12,272
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible
a silver dollar
a bottle of whisky
a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling, and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy", the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"





--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: Alethia  
 
arty
post Posted: Dec 20 2014, 06:35 PM
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Posts: 12,272
Thanks: 2971


Australia's Got Talent
Idiot Contest

Number One.

"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane . Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and, at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".


Number Two.

Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.


Number Three.

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote ';Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the Harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland.

Happened in Brisbane .



Number Four.

A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence.


They arrested the robber two hours later.


Number Five.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.


The first one shouted, 'Nobody move !'

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Happened in Adelaide


Number Six.
A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, gra b some booze, and run.


So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.

The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.
Happened in Perth WA .


Number seven.
"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'


He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg." Happened in Surfer's Paradise .


Number eight.
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"


To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne ..


Number nine.
"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open !'
[color=black]


His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
Happened at the FORD dealership, Dubbo




--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: draughtsman  
 
surfer
post Posted: Dec 17 2014, 01:59 PM
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Posts: 472
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Inner Peace: This is so true.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without a glass of wine,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
You Are Probably
...The family dog!!



 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Dec 12 2014, 09:18 AM
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Posts: 1,154
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I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends,
but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.

So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great
(not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country)
and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law,
and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application
of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish
at the sole discretion of the wisher.


Best Regards (without prejudice)


Name withheld (Privacy Act).



--------------------
sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
arty
post Posted: Dec 5 2014, 12:29 PM
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In Reply To: birnam's post @ Dec 5 2014, 10:49 AM

QUOTE
Do we know if the comment giver is still alive?

laugh.gif if he's been able to outrun the femnazis, he may well be.
Could also be wearing "religious garb" ph34r.gif

PS: replace either number under the square root sign by a 1, and the result won't be a rational number. So she's wrong.



--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
birnam
post Posted: Dec 5 2014, 10:49 AM
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In Reply To: arty's post @ Dec 5 2014, 08:03 AM

The maths for 18 is straightforward enough. Proving Tracey wrong, well, I'm only smart enough to not be that brave. Do we know if the comment giver is still alive?

 


arty
post Posted: Dec 5 2014, 08:03 AM
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Attached File  Tracey.jpg ( 49.35K ) Number of downloads: 9

... but seriously: Can you figure out why Attached File  Formula.jpg ( 2.81K ) Number of downloads: 6
makes 18?



--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 
surfer
post Posted: Dec 5 2014, 07:54 AM
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Posts: 472
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Try again




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EubuphQ79z4




 
surfer
post Posted: Dec 5 2014, 07:42 AM
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Posts: 472
Thanks: 123





It sure is a dogs life




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EubuphQ79z4




 
surfer
post Posted: Nov 25 2014, 02:12 PM
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Posts: 472
Thanks: 123


> DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (Or the uncertainty of the English
> language)
>
> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
> family values.
>
> Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
>
> Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
> ___________________________________________
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
> intelligence come from?'
>
> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
> cause I still have mine.'
> ___________________________________________
>
> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
> Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. '
>
> 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
> then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
> ___________________________________________
>
> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to Emergency took the
> husband aside and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'
>
> 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
> good with the kids.'
> ___________________________________________
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
> been living with for the last 40 years.
>
> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
> that were used to put the curse on you.'
>
> The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
> ___________________________________________
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
> take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
>
> The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
>
> 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
> ___________________________________________
>
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>
> 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
>
> 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>
> 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
>
> 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
> ___________________________________________
>
> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
>
> Joe: 'Really?'
>
> Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
> ___________________________________________
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
> asks him how he is feeling.
>
> 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
> surgery,' he answered.
>
> 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
>
> 'Oops!'
> ___________________________________________
>
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
> of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
> I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's
> advice.
>
> 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
>
> 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
>
> He's still in intensive care.
> ___________________________________________
>
>
> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
> of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
> even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
> there.'

 
 


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