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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
nipper
post Posted: Jan 11 2017, 03:46 PM
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Christmas Cracker jokes are up there with Dad Jokes; this one raised a smile at least, around the table

Q. What is the world's biggest circulation gardening magazine called?

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A. Weeder's Digest



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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time."
- Dr John Hussman

“If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions.” ― Michel de Montaigne
 
arty
post Posted: Dec 17 2016, 11:27 PM
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This is a new one. Pauline emailed it to me. She is the expert on all things Islamic. wink.gif

Islamic dancing rules.

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" "Sure," says the Mullah, go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a porno video, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing"



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I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
arty
post Posted: Dec 16 2016, 08:38 AM
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In Reply To: nipper's post @ Dec 16 2016, 12:58 AM

As I get older, I prefer wine, actually.

Attached File  WineAge.jpg ( 22.18K ) Number of downloads: 6


... because ...

Attached File  WBW.jpg ( 33.53K ) Number of downloads: 8




--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)
 
nipper
post Posted: Dec 16 2016, 12:58 AM
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In Reply To: mullokintyre's post @ Dec 15 2016, 11:50 PM

Excellent

(Beer is a drink best served cold)



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time."
- Dr John Hussman

“If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions.” ― Michel de Montaigne
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Dec 15 2016, 11:50 PM
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Flawless Male logic...

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions

which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending

at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put

in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,

you could have now bought an airplane?

>>>>>

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: So where is your airplane?




MIck



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: arty  nipper  
 
surfer
post Posted: Dec 10 2016, 02:36 PM
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FW: Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'



Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 


surfer
post Posted: Dec 10 2016, 02:33 PM
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'




The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.




The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.




The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'




The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.




Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'




The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'




'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.




Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.




'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'




The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'




 
surfer
post Posted: Dec 10 2016, 02:30 PM
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A lady walks into Harrods.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking, as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"


 
arty
post Posted: Nov 24 2016, 08:57 AM
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No Nativity scene in Canberra this year

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three Wise Men in Canberra .
However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

The search for a Virgin continues...






--------------------
I trade daily, but I am not a licensed adviser. Whether you find my ideas reasonable or not: The only person responsible for your actions is YOU.
I follow two rules: (1) There are no sacred truths. All assumptions must be critically examined. Arguments from authority are worthless. (2) Whatever is inconsistent with observed facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Market as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be. (inspired by Carl Sagan)

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  mullokintyre  
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Oct 31 2016, 09:05 PM
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble"
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."




--------------------
sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
 
 


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