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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
post Posted: Apr 13 2015, 11:23 AM
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A sign of the times biggrin.gif .

When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided,

I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Combining Fundamental comments with Fundamental charts.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: balance  
post Posted: Apr 7 2015, 08:40 AM
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A Freudian slip maybe . rolleyes.gif

The activists, who travelled to the platform on the Greenpeace shit Esperanza, have supplies to camp for several days on the platform.


post Posted: Apr 6 2015, 02:14 PM
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While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: Alethia  grevillia  arty  
post Posted: Apr 3 2015, 07:25 PM
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asked the attendant.
"They are called tees" replies Tiger
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey fer?'? inquires the Irishman
"There're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Fooking Jaysus"! says the Irishman
"Mercedes thinks of everything"!

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
post Posted: Apr 3 2015, 11:07 AM
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What ever you do don't smoke It is dangerous.

Day Trader: Lowest form of life in the known universe.
Shorter: Can limbo under a day trader.
Investor: Salt of the Earth.Sits to the right of God (Warren Buffet)
Share prices are only ever manipulated down.
Paper losses are not really losses.
Chat site posters always know better & know more than anyone about anything.
I'm 29.
The cheque is in the mail.
post Posted: Mar 15 2015, 06:43 PM
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Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who’s been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer’s hand an inch above your knee.

First let’s take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there’s the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He’s really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap,
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there’s the wily ‘slowy’, pure cunning is his strength;
He’ll temp you, then he’ll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes …

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there’s the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he’s about;
And if you let him settle in, it’s hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn’t mind if he’s the last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he’s full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he’ll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he’ll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Ever the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You’ll quickly find you’ve had it, when he puts his finger up!

So darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:

Said 'Thanks' for this post: henrietta  mullokintyre  

post Posted: Mar 15 2015, 12:04 PM
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
post Posted: Mar 15 2015, 12:01 PM
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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm bbbbloody tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal......Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife's not happy and doesn’t want it anymore. She liked it when I had a penis a foot long. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "Ppppiss ooooff. A ddddeal's a dddeal."

Said 'Thanks' for this post: grevillia  
post Posted: Mar 8 2015, 01:36 PM
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How to change a light bulb.


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post Posted: Mar 8 2015, 01:35 PM
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They say the beer adverts are the best, others favour car or insurance commercials. Don't make up your mind until you watch this one!!!

Very creative and a high rate of difficulty......well done.......

I wonder how many ‘takes’ it took?



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